The famous metanoia rant


Categories: Personal

To make a long story short, there was a funny mini-flamewar about Metanoia, and I decided to play around with the style of ranting by “defending” the comic. So I wrote this. This is not merely a bad defense. This is an awful defense. It is a parody of every bad defense ever written for poor fiction.


cut here–
(I realize, on reading other wanks, that I’ve totally missed the point, and I’ve been, pretty much, No Fun At All. Well, I’m gonna rectify that. I’m no Anne Rice, but I’ll do what I can.)


First off, how dare you? How many of you have done a hundred pages of material about a gay hit man who fights demons and chews ice? Not many, I’ll wager. Only betting’s a sin, so I won’t. But Metanoia is the absolute best comic ever, bar none, only it’s so good it’s not a comic at all, but a manga. Wait, that’s not good enough. It’s even better than manga. It’s a fucking ANIME. That’s how good it is.

A lot of comics reduce the world to black and white, with good guys and bad guys. Metanoia is done in TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY SIX SHADES OF GRAY! That’s more than you can do with Prismacolors, which is why Metanoia is colored with actual COPIC markers, the kind real mangaka jack off with.

Metanoia is much deeper literature than anything you have ever written, or read, if you can even read at all, which I doubt very much, or if you can recognize a run-on-sentence, which I don’t think you could, even if you saw one, or I wrote one, which I wouldn’t, because I’m a good writer.

There is no “mary sue” crap in Metanoia. When Star gains the ability to turn into a telepathic unicorn in Chapter 4, it happens for real plot reasons, in a manner consistent with the Quentin Tarantino sensibilities of the rest of the manga. This is not a “self-insertion” thing based on the author’s own shapeshifting powers; any idiot can see that the author, who shapeshifts into a white-maned, empathic unicorn with violet eyes, should not be mistaken for Star’s silver-maned, telepathic unicorn with golden eyes. This is not any kind of self-insertion; it is literature.

Some people don’t think Metanoia’s characters have real depth. Bullshit. Star chews ice when he’s nervous. That’s depth. I mean, you learn a lot about star from that. Like, you know he’s not one of those people whose teeth are always really sensitive to cold stuff. How many artists have the BALLS to confront that kind of raw, heart-wrenching truth about their characters?

The artist of metanoia is more woman than you’ll ever be, and more man than you’ll ever have. She is the epitome of cool, the Pope of Pimp, and taller than most children.

Metanoia’s plot is perfect in every respect, and covers every aspect of the human experience in perfect detail, all while maintaining a light and approachable atmosphere with recognizable, likeable characters and a consistently child-friendly sensibility. By the end of the main story arc, the reader will have learned what it means to experience love for the first time, will know what pork chops really taste like, and will have grown two full inches.

Some people complain that Metanoia is a genre-breaker. Well, if the genre was that fragile, it deserved to be broken. We need visionaries. We need change. When we first realized that doughnut holes were not merely edible, but the tastiest part of the doughnut, a lot of people weren’t ready for the change. They wanted to keep throwing doughnut holes away. Now we know they’re food, and millions of people get fed every day because someone had the courage to eat a fucking doughnut hole. Metanoia is like that, only with a jelly filling.

Metanoia’s characters express everything that is good in humanity; friendship, teamwork, casual murder. Their sex lives are more interesting than prime time television, even during Sweeps Week. Hell, they’re more interesting than Adult Swim on Cartoon Network!

The regular series of cameo appearances by famous characters, such as Batman and Robin, the Harlem Globetrotters, or the Addams Family, distinguishes Metanoia from all other cartoons and comics. It is a unique feature which shows a special depth of insight into the human condition which most of ya’ll fucktards will never experience, so booya.

In conclusion,… No, wait, I’ve barely gotten started. More to come.

Everyone who doesn’t like Metanoia wets the bed. I can prove it, because we installed special sensors. People who like Metanoia get laid more often than other people, and for good reason – they’re better in bed. Most men who don’t like Metanoia ejaculate prematurely. Most women who don’t like Metanoia like it when men ejaculate prematurely.

Metanoia’s aggressive promotion of Christian ideals makes it the ideal comic for teaching your children about morality. Children need to learn that the career of a hit man is a much more morally acceptable one than a lifestyle of gay sex. Furthermore, they need to learn that you can combine these lifestyles and make twice as much money. Metanoia doesn’t indulge in the heavy-handed moralizing of some manga, such as Rurouni Kenshin or Trigun; instead, it focuses on making sure that each episode ends with a clearly stated moral, which is demonstrated when the loveable but incompetent Team Rocket get their just deserts.

Sometimes people think Metanoia is not as good as other art. This is because they are holding their artometer upside down. There is simply no other art in the history of Western Civilization which is as good as Metanoia. Some Eastern Civilization, such as South Jersey, can come close to the quality of Metanoia, but most of it can’t, and anyway, who can hold those fucking chopsticks. Metanoia sets the standard by which all other art should be judged.

Some authors need careful handholding by an editor. Some have progressed to a friendly relationship with the editor. An elite few need no editing, because their work is perfect to begin with. The building in which Metanoia is drawn is surrounded by a moat filled with the corpses of editors. It’s that good.

(Please let me know if I missed anything.)

Comments [archived]

From: John H.
Date: 2005-01-28 16:26:42 -0600

If someone’s flaming the comic, I don’t know why. Seems pretty damn cool to me (although I’ve only gotten through Ch1 so far). I do like the line: “Metanoia’s aggressive promotion of Christian ideals makes it the ideal comic for teaching your children about morality. Children need to learn that the career of a hit man is a much more morally acceptable one than a lifestyle of gay sex.” I wonder how many evangelical types would agree with that before they realized what they were saying….

From: Stonehead
Date: 2005-02-13 13:05:12 -0600

I only discovered Metanoia tonight (being mentioned on a gothic channel on Soulseek). Good plot (so far, I’m in chapter 2 now), well drawn. Thumbs up!

I wonder what that discussion was exactly about.

From: Stonehead
Date: 2005-02-13 13:18:08 -0600

If there’d be one small point of ranting, it’d be that Jesse should exercise drawing cars. The one in Chapter 3 is hilarious. ;)

From: Male K.
Date: 2007-06-29 22:03:31 -0500

Hah, I want to f*cking print my own copy of Metanoia now, but I’ve read all the chapters - twice- by now.

Not that it’d stop me from printing it, though ;D

From: Amelie
Date: 2010-12-18 08:53:47 -0600

I’ll agree that the story and characters aren’t as well done as some other stuff Jesse Hajicek has thought up – the novel ‘The God-Eaters’ for instance, beats Metanoia’s premise into a cocked hat. For a self-published novel, ‘The God-Eaters’ is a ton better written than many mainstream published novels I’ve read (Twilight, anyone?), but I also think it was written a bit later than Metanoia so that could easily be his own development showing.
And I guess the art isn’t amazing either – I could do a good deal better, and I’m a completely self-taught teenager. And yes, I’ve read better webcomics. However, I don’t think that’s grounds to rip it to shreds. I mean, good grief, it’s a free webcomic. The rabid fans might pretend that it’s God’s Own Work, but I don’t think anyone else is doing that.
It’s a fun comic to read. It doesn’t invite you into a deep-thinking mind-warp. It just wants you to go along with the story. Maybe people are just being too serious about it!

As for the morality, what fun would stories be if they were all tight-lacedly moralistic? Aesop is out of date, give me a soul-dead hitman any day.