Why Luka is awesome

2012-01-18 21:09

Some person on the Internet was sad. This happens sometimes. He was so sad that he was thinking of killing himself. This, too, happens sometimes. And you know what else happens sometimes? Assholes happen. They write stuff like:

Anonymous asked: You need to get over yourself holy shit. There are people who suffer more than you but continue to live on every day.

Thing about tumblr is, people can reply to stuff.

And that’s where our friend Luka comes in:

Luka is wise.

Quoting the whole thing:

Sad person:

It’s OK to break your leg and feel hurt even though your next door neighbor just broke his neck. His pain is your pain’s meaner, older brother.

It’s OK to feel hurt when your parents are dicks to you, even if a kid in a war zone just lost his parents in a firefight. Having the bond of your family fucked with in any way is shitty.

It’s OK to cry when you get dumped even though your best friend at school’s grandmother just passed away. Sadness doesn’t care if you deserve to feel it or not. Sadness is a douchebag house guest who barges into your heart and makes itself a cozy little nest on your couch, eats all your nutella and leaves when it damn well pleases.

It’s OK to be depressed and not know why. It would be nice if there was a checklist where you go over reasons to be bummed out and tally up the points at the end to see if you qualify for a bad day, but this shit is relative. See also Sadness being a douchebag, only worse.

You don’t need permission from the world to have a problem that isn’t visibly gushing blood all over the living room floor. You don’t have to be the lowest of the low to be allowed to have the full range of normal shitty human feelings. What idiocy to say shit like “get over yourself” to a person talking about suicide, as if anyone on this entire fucked up suffering planet would wallow in misery if there was any other visible option.

Wanna play the Oppression Olympics to find out who’s allowed to complain? Good luck beating the naked mole rat. Jesus christ, those guys crawl through tunnels full of each other’s shit and piss and can’t see for beans and they all look like an old man’s ballsack. Dry your tears, dude on the rooftop, you’re cured. There are naked mole rats wading through piss somewhere in the world. Hoo-ray!

Anonymous, you need to get over yourself holy shit. There are trolls who can’t afford to whine on tumblr about who’s allowed to feel what on the internet. THERE ARE WAR ORPHANS IN MONTANA WHO WISH THEY HAD A KEYBOARD SO THEY COULD BE JERKS ON THE INTERNET. THERE ARE KIDS DROPPING ICE CREAM CONES ALL OVER FLORIDA, WHERE IS YOUR COMPASSION MAN!

THEY’RE SAYING, OH IF ONLY I COULD BE A SNOTFUCK ANONYMOUS AND RUB A STRANGER’S NOSE IN THEIR OWN SUFFERING LIKE THAT SOMEHOW TEACHES THEM ANY LESSON EXCEPT “GOSH NO ONE CARES AT ALL DO THEY?” AND OCCASIONALLY GIVING THEIR SUBSTANDARD GENITALS A HALF-HEARTED DRUB AT THE THOUGHT OF SOMEDAY BEING THE TOUGHEST UNSIGNED COMMENTER ON THE WEB.
GO YOU, YOU PICKED ON A SUICIDAL KID. NOW WHERE DID I PUT MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK? OH HEY CAN YOU SIGN IT “TO THE SNARLING PITBULL EVERYONE I KNOW IRL WISHES WOULD SUDDENLY APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE, CLIMB UP MY ASS AND CHEW ON MY SMALL INTESTINE?” AND SIGN IT ‘WORST PERSON EVER, PLEASE CULL ME FROM THE HERD FOR THE GREATER GOOD.’

Oh for a shotgun full of rock salt for every ass weasel who I see pulling this hackneyed old sentiment out of their collection of ways to be utterly worthless to their fellow man and feel a thrill of accomplishment afterwards.

Even the suicidal kid you think is totes self-absorbed cares more about their impact on the world than your loser ass does. How’s that taste going down, brain hero?

Way to speed up entropy and fail at life while frantically masturbating to the Douchebag Of The Year trophy you keep on your display shelf next to the giant horse dildo oh wait no that’s a photo of you being you.

Suck my invisiballs, anonymous, you smug douche. People with attitudes like yours are why the world has no flying cars. You’re why the space program was canceled and why Fox News runs 24/7. You have failed to be a decent member of the species and your punishment is to be you, such sentence to be retroactively enforced to the moment of your unfortunate squalling birth, because even the timeline abhors your insulting, self-satisfied victim bashing and scorns it for the lukewarm pile of oatmeal puke it is.

PS – I hope you get weeping anal fissures from your colon to your butthole and no one will listen to you sob about the stinging pain because HAHAHAHA GET OVER IT PUSSY I GOT A HANGNAIL.

Peter Seebach

---

Comment

 
---