Bible II: Electric Boogaloo

2003-06-05 22:50

I have always wondered if other people have a different Bible than I do; perhaps it’s called “Bigger, Longer, and Uncut”.

I’ve been doing some research, though, on the things people believe, and say the Bible says, and I’ve managed to figure out a few of the passages they’re citing.


Genesis 3:25-33

25. And God turned to the beasts which moveth upon the earth, and he spake unto them:
26. “Those of you with molars, get thee hence, for I speak not to you.”
27. And the beasts which had grinding teeth, not cutting teeth, they left quickly, for they feared God.
28. To those remaining animals, whose teeth were clearly suited to rending and cutting, God spake again.
29. “Now that those two bipeds have buggered everything, you will eat of other animals, not of plants.
30. And you will have a use for those sharp teeth, and you will no longer choke on food you can’t even chew.
31. And you will not need to bug Me all the time about vitamin supplements and protein drinks because you can’t digest your food.
32. And you will find a use for those claws.
33. And I still say I didn’t plan for this.”

Of course, to include all the things that people say Jesus would object to, you’d have to have some pretty huge Gospels.


Matthew 297:24-26

24. And furthermore, any game that uses the term “hit points” shall be forbidden, and if it hath also polyhedral dice, you shall not even read the books.
25. And of the Japanese anime with the big eyes, watch them not, saving only the ones with giant robots, which are way cool.
26. By the way, the comments about dancing and making joyful noises were purely for metaphorical purposes; have not fun, lest it fill you with wonder at the beauty of God’s creation.

Jesus preached constantly about freedom; it seems like most Christians are striving constantly to find new boundaries to live within. Where do we get this stuff? It’s not in the Bible I have.

Peter Seebach

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